Spider-Man to Iron Man: “Mr. Stark, what do you want me to do?”
Iron Man: “I think you’ve done enough.”
In Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017, directed by Jon Watts) Spider-Man asks this question as a New York ferry is in danger of sinking. He has been fighting with the Vulture (played with unnerving menace by Michael Keaton), but the Vulture used a ray to slice the ferry in half, forcing Spider-Man to try to save the boat while the Vulture escaped. When Spider-Man’s efforts fail, Iron Man arrives to save the day, using his repulsor rays to fuse the ferry’s hull back together.
But Peter’s question isn’t only about the peril to the ferry, it’s really an open question to the man he sees as a father: Tony Stark. What do you want me to do? Who do you want me to be? How can I be like you?
Tony doesn’t want to have to answer those questions. Peter needs a father, but Tony Stark (in the role Robert Downey, Jr. was born for) does not want to to be that father. He doesn’t want Peter fighting supervillains. He doesn’t want Peter being an Avenger. He doesn’t want Peter in dangerous battles. He wants Peter to stay safe: “Can’t you just be a friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man?”
The answer is, no Peter can’t. With great power comes great responsibility. Peter (played by Tom Holland as if he really was Spider-Man) has amazing gifts, and he will have to learn to use them. And like all children, he will make mistakes. He has to try. He has to learn. He has to grow.
What Tony resists is the fact that we, adults, have to grow too. Tony wants to stay who he was, billionaire playboy Tony Stark. When we first met Tony in Iron Man, he was bragging about the Playboy models with whom he had slept. He was rich and drove sports cars and could do whatever he wanted. Except Tony had great gifts, too, a knowledge of technology that made him one of the most brilliant minds on the planet. With great power comes great responsibility. Tony built the Iron Man suit to save himself as he was dying from a shrapnel wound, but he didn’t know that building the suit would also change his life forever.
As Iron Man, he recruited Spider-Man when Captain America (played by the hero himself Chris Evans) went rogue. Tony was used to using people, and he recruited Spidey because he needed Spidey’s powers. But Peter needed Tony too. Peter needed someone to teach him how to use those powers. Peter needed a mentor and a father. Tony wanted to just use Peter and then send Peter back to his neighborhood. But what Tony didn’t realize was that once a child enters our life, they change us forever.
The job of being a parent is impossible. Children look up to their parents. They want them to be perfect, to know how to do everything, and to have all the answers. That’s what children look to their parents for, perfection. But of course, none of us are perfect. We make mistakes, we don’t know everything, and we fail all the time. What children need is not for their parents to be perfect, but for them to be heroic. Heroes make mistakes, they try things that don’t work, and they get knocked down. But then they get back up again. Children don’t need to see their parents never fail, but they do need to see their parents never give up. Keep trying, give it your best, and don’t be afraid to start over.
At the end of Spider-Man, Peter is trapped under tons of rubble. The Vulture has tricked him, causing a building to fall on top of him. Peter can’t move. He is running out of time, close to death. Peter cries out, but there is no one there to help him. He has failed again. Then he remembers Tony’s words to him, “If you’re nothing without the suit, then you shouldn’t have it.” When Tony said that, he was taking away the high-tech Spider-suit he had built for Peter because he felt Peter was too immature to use it responsibly. So, Peter had ended up going after the Vulture in his old handmade Spider-Man costume. But trapped under the rubble, Peter remembered Tony’s words and understood their true meaning. It’s not powers that make a person a hero; what makes a person a hero is never giving up no matter the odds. Peter reaches inside and finds the strength of will to push through crushing tons of rubble in order to free himself. Then he defeats the Vulture and also saves the Vulture from death when he could have let the Vulture be blown up.
Peter still has much growing up to do. Tony does too. But they both take big steps forward here. Tony helps Peter to find his inner power, the strength of will that lets him succeed no matter the odds. And Peter helps Tony begin to understand the secret of being a great parent: Children try to be their parents, and once parents understand this, it helps the parent to become a better person than they really are. Tony knows what a flawed person he is, and so he doesn’t want to be pushed into the role of father to Peter because of all those flaws. But a person can be flawed and still be a great parent as long as they keep trying to be better than they are. When a child sees a parent fail but keep trying, the parent is teaching the child that we can all find the hero inside of us, we just have to never give up trying.
Gian, I just mentioned in response to Sandy's post that I love how we see the father-son bond developing here (even if it is a bit of a reluctant development on Tony's part). I love Tony's development throughout the films, and I think both actors do a wonderful job of showing how these two characters came to need and care for each other. It's heartwarming to watch that development, even through the strained relationship of a child wanting to become an adult too soon and a parent wanting to protect them from all that entails. You also see Tony admit his faults when he realizes Peter wants to be just like him but Tony wants Peter to "be better." Great job on this analysis and the parent-child relationship aspect of the film.
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